So, this week i had somewhat of a pity party for myself. Oh poor pitiful me. Please feel sorry for me. All the emotions I felt: loneliness, depression, anger, self-doubt, God-doubt, frustration, -10 on the scale of good mom. Yep, that's me. One big let me sit and wallow in a pile of tears of self-pity.
So after I have had a wonderful group of women pray over me (a 1st for me honestly), I was like oh yeah, we are going to kick this self-pity right back to wherever it came from. See ya, self-pity. Buh bye! Feeling ya know, all powerful and positive, the days began to pass. And pass, and pass. And self-pity and all its emotions kept slowly creeping back into my mind like they permanently belonged there. And ya know what, I was starting to believe that they did.
And Thursday came, and if you didn't know me and know that i cry at a good TV commercial, you would think i probably should be checked into a clinic somewhere, and somewhere fast. Told ya'll that the mental card hadn't been fully checked off the list yet claiming i'm ok lol Because, i think i honestly could of started Noah's flood with the waterworks. And to tell you the truth, I don't really know where or why they came on. But i do know this. It was freeing. It was freeing to admit to myself that i'm struggling. It was freeing to admit to my husband that I wasn't handling this perfectly. It was freeing to admit to my mother that I might be depressed. Because, even though i didn't realize it, I had become "over" trying to be okay and thinking to myself that i was okay. That everything was okay. Because, God knew I wasn't okay and that i needed to be freed of this burden on my soul.
I heard this morning something that I have probably heard 100 times. "Put on the Armor of God". That is what the sermon was about or yet the overall theme of the sermon. And the humorous thing about that verse is that on that Thursday night of struggle, a friend gave me this exact verse to grasp onto tightly. It's like God wanted to make sure I heard it. And for those of you who might not know it, or can't quite remember everything that it says, here it is. " Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Eph 6:10-12 I have prayed so hard recently for God to just 'show up'. I need Him. I yearn for Him. God, just show up! (Of course I sometimes wish He would just appear and tell me everything I wish to hear, but then i think i would probably freak out and most likely pass out, so it's probably a good thing He doesn't just "appear" to me. He knows me well, i know this) So I sit there and I listen to the preacher tell me the things I heard all my life. "There is a spiritual ware. It is real. The devil is real. The devil is evil. The devil wants to destroy you." And I have believed that those things are true. But for some reason on this particular Sunday morning, I saw that yes, it really is real. Because, I am living proof & you are living proof that the struggles we are going through the devil is sitting back and watching/hoping/relishing at them. He's relishing at my self pity-party because he is winning the battle of my internal spiritual struggle. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am not being a super great mom. I am feeling depressed. I am letting the devil win. And ya know what, I am sick and tired of playing his game. I don't know what clicked, or why God chose this moment for it to click, but I'm sick of letting him win my spiritual battle and slowly picking away my joy.
Because we have a real enemy who schemes us. And let me tell you, i was the queen at scheming my little brother out of anything. So you are talking to the "chess champion" if you will. But the devil has me beat 100 times over. He tempts, then spins that to accusation. And i saw for the first 'real' time how is doing that to me. I saw that he has brought people to my house and 'tempted' me with the potential future of getting my fam back together all under one roof knowing good and well that those people couldn't afford it, or weren't serious buyers, or really just wanted to come and look. But i didn't know that at the time. All i saw was someone who could hopefully solve my problem. I was the bunny and they were the carrot being dangled right in front of my face. They were my glimpse of hope. And of course as you all know im still here, so that carrot was snatched away. So now Satan brings in the accusation. He helps me "accuse" or helps me pin-point some sort of accusation. So now my glimpse of hope has turned into spats of depression, bitterness, frustration, and no joy. He lets me question God for not showing up. He lets my mind become obsessed with house thoughts. He has me thinking that I am literally depressed and need to go on medication. Why do I let him do this? Why do we allow him to play this sick twisted game? It's not fun. No part of this game is enjoyable, yet we still play? He often has gotten a lot of us to the point where he is the master and we are his puppets. So who is your master? Who are you letting guide you? Because there is a battle and girl, let me tell you, it is real. And i don't have to be battling cancer, or going through divorce, or some other huge life-altering event. Satan knows exactly what my weakness is and goes after that. Sitting in the background slowly taking small jabs at me until one day I finally break. Someone once said, Satan can't touch God. So, if someone is untouchable, what's the next thing you would touch....their children. So Satan goes after us because we are His children. Be ready for the attack because I wasn't ready and I wasn't prepared. I have grown up in church my whole life and i thought i was prepared, but i wasn't. And i'll be the first to admit that. The spiritual battle is real and it is important. The devil is not welcome in my heart. He is not allowed to visit, not allowed to even step foot on the front porch anymore. I'm over his game. I'm done because I refuse to play it.
So it's a new week this week, and hopeful with a new attitude and perspective. I don't doubt that God has shown up and will continue to do so. He has probably been trying to yell things in my ears for a while now, but I left the self-pity party win every time. And how can you hear a sweet, soft voice when all you hear is your negative thoughts instead? So my armor is on and fastened tightly. So he can bring on all punches and licks he's got, but I'm done playing his game. So Satan, come and give it your best shot! Cause this week I'm "over" YOU!