Sunday, October 30, 2016

"Over It" Leads to Wake Up!

So, this week i had somewhat of a pity party for myself. Oh poor pitiful me. Please feel sorry for me. All the emotions I felt: loneliness, depression, anger, self-doubt, God-doubt, frustration, -10 on the scale of good mom. Yep, that's me. One big let me sit and wallow in a pile of tears of self-pity.

So after I have had a wonderful group of women pray over me (a 1st for me honestly), I was like oh yeah, we are going to kick this self-pity right back to wherever it came from. See ya, self-pity. Buh bye! Feeling ya know, all powerful and positive, the days began to pass. And pass, and pass. And self-pity and all its emotions kept slowly creeping back into my mind like they permanently belonged there. And ya know what, I was starting to believe that they did.

And Thursday came, and if you didn't know me and know that i cry at a good TV commercial, you would think i probably should be checked into a clinic somewhere, and somewhere fast. Told ya'll that the mental card hadn't been fully checked off the list yet claiming i'm ok lol  Because, i think i honestly could of started Noah's flood with the waterworks. And to tell you the truth, I don't really know where or why they came on. But i do know this. It was freeing. It was freeing to admit to myself that i'm struggling. It was freeing to admit to my husband that I wasn't handling this perfectly. It was freeing to admit to my mother that I might be depressed. Because, even though i didn't realize it, I had become "over" trying to be okay and thinking to myself that i was okay. That everything was okay. Because, God knew I wasn't okay and that i needed to be freed of this burden on my soul.

I heard this morning something that I have probably heard 100 times. "Put on the Armor of God". That is what the sermon was about or yet the overall theme of the sermon. And the humorous thing about that verse is that on that Thursday night of struggle, a friend gave me this exact verse to grasp onto tightly. It's like God wanted to make sure I heard it. And for those of you who might not know it, or can't quite remember everything that it says, here it is. " Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Eph 6:10-12  I have prayed so hard recently for God to just 'show up'. I need Him. I yearn for Him. God, just show up! (Of course I sometimes wish He would just appear and tell me everything I wish to hear, but then i think i would probably freak out and most likely pass out, so it's probably a good thing He doesn't just "appear" to me. He knows me well, i know this) So I sit there and I listen to the preacher tell me the things I heard all my life. "There is a spiritual ware. It is real. The devil is real. The devil is evil. The devil wants to destroy you." And I have believed that those things are true. But for some reason on this particular Sunday morning, I saw that yes, it really is real. Because, I am living proof & you are living proof that the struggles we are going through the devil is sitting back and watching/hoping/relishing at them. He's relishing at my self pity-party because he is winning the battle of my internal spiritual struggle. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am not being a super great mom. I am feeling depressed. I am letting the devil win. And ya know what, I am sick and tired of playing his game. I don't know what clicked, or why God chose this moment for it to click, but I'm sick of letting him win my spiritual battle and slowly picking away my joy.

Because we have a real enemy who schemes us. And let me tell you, i was the queen at scheming my little brother out of anything. So you are talking to the "chess champion" if you will. But the devil has me beat 100 times over. He tempts, then spins that to accusation. And i saw for the first 'real' time how is doing that to me. I saw that he has brought people to my house and 'tempted' me with the potential future of getting my fam back together all under one roof knowing good and well that those people couldn't afford it, or weren't serious buyers, or really just wanted to come and look. But i didn't know that at the time. All i saw was someone who could hopefully solve my problem. I was the bunny and they were the carrot being dangled right in front of my face. They were my glimpse of hope. And of course as you all know im still here, so that carrot was snatched away. So now Satan brings in the accusation. He helps me "accuse" or helps me pin-point some sort of accusation. So now my glimpse of hope has turned into spats of depression, bitterness, frustration, and no joy. He lets me question God for not showing up. He lets my mind become obsessed with house thoughts. He has me thinking that I am literally depressed and need to go on medication. Why do I let him do this? Why do we allow him to play this sick twisted game? It's not fun. No part of this game is enjoyable, yet we still play? He often has gotten a lot of us to the point where he is the master and we are his puppets. So who is your master? Who are you letting guide you? Because there is a battle and girl, let me tell you, it is real. And i don't have to be battling cancer, or going through divorce, or some other huge life-altering event. Satan knows exactly what my weakness is and goes after that. Sitting in the background slowly taking small jabs at me until one day I finally break. Someone once said, Satan can't touch God. So, if someone is untouchable, what's the next thing you would touch....their children. So Satan goes after us because we are His children. Be ready for the attack because I wasn't ready and I wasn't prepared. I have grown up in church  my whole life and i thought i was prepared, but i wasn't. And i'll be the first to admit that. The spiritual battle is real and it is important. The devil is not welcome in my heart. He is not allowed to visit, not allowed to even step foot on the front porch anymore. I'm over his game. I'm done because I refuse to play it.

So it's a new week this week, and hopeful with a new attitude and perspective. I don't doubt that God has shown up and will continue to do so. He has probably been trying to yell things in my ears for a while now, but I left the self-pity party win every time. And how can you hear a sweet, soft voice when all you hear is your negative thoughts instead? So my armor is on and fastened tightly. So he can bring on all punches and licks he's got, but I'm done playing his game. So Satan, come and give it your best shot! Cause this week I'm "over" YOU!

Friday, October 21, 2016

Over It!

Have you ever just been "over it"? Likely completely and utterly just over it? That's me today. I don't know why or what has changed, but today I'm over it. I'm over random crap. I'm over two kids constantly fighting & bickering. I'm over my house not selling. I'm over waiting for my house to sell. I'm over trying to be positive and keep my head up about my stupid house. I'm just OVER IT!

That's the nicest and simplest way i can put my thoughts into words without using massive amounts of profanity and punching something very hard and risk breaking a bone. Cause then, I'd probably be over having to pay someone to re-set my stupid bone that i broke in the first place for being over it. I get it, you get my point. A little excessive with the word "over". Got it. Note taken!

Just need to vent to the blank internet space out there. Nobody really cares that I'm over it, and honestly that's totally okay. Cause lets be honest people, my problem of being over it is really not that important in terms of real-life. People are getting be-headed for being Christians. I am able to openly talk and walk in my faith. Women are losing babies and some can't have babies. I am blessed with 2 healthy kiddos who drive me crazy daily, both good and bad. People are dying everyday of horrible diseases and cancer. As far as I know, I'm healthy (mentally is still yet to be determined). Marriages are destroyed daily from affairs, pornography, and deception. I have a faithful and loving husband who allows me to live 2 hrs away from him. Some people live in bondage with no freedom or rights. We live in a country that as of now we actually are allowed to have rights and speak our minds.
So yes, my little emotional breakdown of being "over it" doesn't really come close to the things of real-life.

So i find myself asking, God is it selfish that I want you to care about my "over its"? I know my things aren't even on the same spectrum as real-life things, but I still need and yearn for you to care. I still need you to sometimes walk me off the cliff that parades in my mind. I need to be okay with the waiting, and the house not selling, and the living apart, and the losing the job, and all the emotions that boil over more often than I'd like for them too. I need to be okay with all these things. I need you to care to help me be okay with all these things. I have to be okay with these things. More importantly, I need to accept these things. Why can't i accept them and move on? Is it because I'm still here and see the "reminders" daily? Is it because I'm still here in this house while the hubs is in ATL? Is it because I feel so trapped and helpless that I'm just darn stuck. I'm so tired of feeling stuck and helpless. Doesn't matter if i move to ATL or not. I'm still stuck with this house. I'm still with ties to Sandersville. I'm still stuck here until that one important piece of the puzzle gets finalized. I'm just stuck! And Lord, I'm so tired of being stuck. I'm so tired of saying the same prayer everyday and everyday and everyday feeling like I say it for nothing. Am i saying it for nothing God? Is it a pointless prayer? Because, if it is please just tell me. Let me heart and soul know so that i can accept and move on. Because, I'm at my breaking point. I'm ready to scream from the mountain tops that I'm OVER IT! I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm over it! I"m just over it! And i need your guidance. I need your wisdom. Because, lets me honest. I can't do any of this without you. And right now, I need you. I need you Jesus. I need you God. I am yearning for an answer. Please open me up so that i can hear what you are trying to tell me. Because right now, being over it, I'm not hearing much if anything at all. Please Father. I need your help!

Friday, February 28, 2014

Trains are the Enemy!

So its 1:15 at my house, and all is quiet on the frontier. Ahhh mommy's time for a peaceful maybe 2 hour (if im lucky) bliss. Then the enemy approaches. Choo-Choo as it comes roaring down the track. My almost 3 yr old son, Brayden, is sleeping ever so peacefully. Hear more Choo-Choo's. Now i hear that dreaded "Mama! Choo-Choo get me". So what was my once peaceful bliss worth of 2 hrs has now been destroyed by the enemy.

So of course super-mom to the rescue. I tell Bryaden, that the choo-choo is on its way home to see its mommy and indeed to take the same nite-nite as he was taking. Now i am not one to coddle my kids. My mother actually informs me that i am a little too tough with the whole "tough love approach" and that indeed i should be a little bit more soft. Hmmm, ill think about it!

So when my 3 yr old asks me to 'lay pillow with me mama', what is one to do but say yes. This is by far not the norm for me. I have a million and one things to do today to get ready for all the company that is coming to my house to spend the night for his 3rd birthday party on Sunday. I still have to make the food, vaccum the rugs, do the laundry, sweep and mop the floor, not to mention get all my junk together for track practice today and find time in their to work my online job. So laying on the hard carpeted floor at 1:30 is  not the ideal spot for me at this very minute.

So i grab a pillow, lay beside the toddler bed, close my eyes, and pretend to "sleep", occasionally slowly opening one eye to make sure the little devil is actually attempting to try to take a nap, now that he is rip roaring ready to go thanks to the enemy.  So as i lay there, and my breathing slowly starts to calm down and i relax, i hear this small voice, 'Be still and know that I am God.'

Wow, what empowering words. I often forget to do that. Ok often is too nice of a word. I regularly forget to do that! How many more moments am I going to have to just lay and enjoy my little boy. Better question, how much longer is my little boy going to want his mama to lay with him? He's almost 3 and i can't tell you where the time went. So as I lay on that floor, and 'sleep', i am still listening. Listening to Brayden talk in a high pitch voice. He only does this when he is truly concerned or showing love. I discover in my 'sleeping' that i have been given special treasures. Mickey Mouse has appeared by my arm. Then the puppy dog luvie appears. And finally, the holy grahl itself, his beloved blanket. He has given me all his treasures and most prized posessions to help me 'sleep'. I am still my Lord, and i am listening. I am listening to the love my little boy has shown me. Its the same love that You show me everyday. I am just not quiet and listening. I am listening to the sweetness of a voice that is so calming and perfect. I am listening to the kisses that appear at my thigh, while my little boy 'tucks me in' to go nite-nite. Oh what i have would have missed doing laundry, cooking, cleaning.

I love the reminders that our God is able to give us. He gives them at just the right moments. When we feel like we are at whits end and aren't quite sure how we are going to accomplish A, B, and C all in the same day, He is able to put life into perspective.

So yes, Mr. Train, you are daily the enemy, but today you can be my blessing and my reminder, that stop, slow down, and listen for God is speaking to my heart.


Monday, February 3, 2014

A Letter to a Friend

So, a strange thing (ok maybe "strange" isn't the best word) or better yet a Godly thing just touched me. I am currently doing a stay at home mom's bible study with a group of women from church. We are currently studying "Stronger" by Angela Thomas (whom i totally recommend PS). Anyway, one of the lessons of the week is talking about how my God is Omnipotent. Now for anyone out there that is like me, who the heck knows what omnipotent means?? I sure as heck didn't so thankfully she defined it for me (thanks Angela!) Omnipotent means: God's infinite power. The week's overall lesson is 'God is stronger than everything' and His omnipotent is just one of three characteristics that He has that enables Him to be stronger than everything.

So im reading along and looking up my bible verses and filling the blanks. Ya know, being the good little bible study disciple that you're suppose to be lol. And i get to this part of the lesson that describes just a few attribute of God. Quoting Angela here, "Not only is God omnipresent (everywhere all the time), omniscient (all knowing), and omnipotent (powerful), the Bible goes on to say He is

Living Self-existent

And then she goes on to ask us to look at the list of characteristics above, and to use these words to write a note for someone who comes to mind.

So dear friend, here is your letter. After reading, you will know who you are. XOXO

Dear Friend-
   Do not ever forget that our God is wise. And that He knows the ways of our heart and our most deepest desires. He is holy and perfect and everything He does is perfect in His timing. He knows when it is right for you to have another little one. Trust in the fact that He is so good and true and that He loves you oh so much that it hurts.  We are so lucky to have such a compassionate God that yearns for us to call on Him just so we can tell Him about our heart aches, our silly moments with our little ones, or even to just say that we really would indeed like it to snow ;) Never forget that He knows you to the depths of the Earth and that everything He does is sovereign, righteous, and good. So do not fear my friend, He has your back. Let go and let Him be your unchanging, true, and loving God that i know you know. Sending hugs your way!


So there you have it. A God moment and a moment that I felt like needed to be shared. For all you women out there, (& men too lol) never fear, God has your back. So whom shall you fear?  As some aritst song says (I'm the worst about artist and names of songs): "If my God is for me, then who can stand against me"

Something to ponder.


Thursday, January 16, 2014

Wow oh wow, where did the time go?

Well I'm back. Well, i never really left, but have been very absent for oh wait, A YEAR!  So sorry for all my devoted reading fans out there. LOL!! Can't say much has happened over the past year with the exception of two rapidly growing now toddlers (sad face!) Brayden is 2 (almost 3 in March) and Quinn is a whopping 17 months old! Where oh where has time gone?? I've always been told that time will only go faster as i get older. i wasn't much of a believer until children came along.

So, from my last post, here's what new: David is back working at Brentwood School in Sandersville. (That's where we were to begin with) and I'm at home doing my thing with my 2 littles. Brayden started a 2 yr old preschool program where he goes 5 days a week. We struggled at the beginning with hitting/pushing/and even yes the deadly biting. Very frustrating because we didn't learn to bite at home. We learned it at school but i guess that comes with the territory. Needless to say, i was mortified when my child became the "biter". I was actually more ok with him being bitten than biting people. Weird i know. So he goes to the Methodist Church pre-school. I'm thinking he might be a little "in love" because he always comes home talking about "Jade". Met this "Jade" at the school's fall festival. She's cute, so im ok with it ;) lol  So we are now into January of pre-school and i must say, that our 'behavior' has gotten better but our defiance is now in full swing. "NO" is our favorite word and i think my child might sit in his bed more during the day that is humanly possible for telling mommy or daddy "no" but geez kid, somethings gotta give already!! So, to say he is stubborn, is honestly an understatement. I feel like i wrote the book on stubborn as a child, so im just getting a healthy dose of my own medicine unfortunately.

Favorite thing so far with B, is that he is learning to 'pretend'. Yesterday, he made a play-doh hamburger and said, "look mommy....delicious". where he learned delicious from is beyond me, but whatever kid. Keep up the great vocabulary!

Quinn is becoming a very quick learner. She has grasp the whole "please" and "thankyou" way faster and better than Brayden ever thought of doing. So that is encouraging. She is going to be our uncoordinated child. HA! She hasn't really mastered running but has such a sweet and laid back spirit about her. She is extremely sensitive,which i feel like she plays her father to a tee, but what can you do! She'll start school next fall so i'll have 2 in pre-school. Awe, a blissful 3 hrs of just mommy time. what is one to do?? oh no worries, i can think of plenty!

All you peeps that think us stay at home moms sit around and watch TV eating our bon-bons are clearly delusional. We have to budget, shop, discipline, clean, cook, make bfast/snacks/lunch/snacks/dinner.....did i mention snacks??? Oh and don't forget the dreaded potty training..... UGH that just makes me pumped to potty train Q. but i will say, a friend told me about "naked baby theory" and i TOTALLY recommend everyone to use. B was trained for a good 90% after day 3! So if you're interested do some googling. thats what i did and it worked like a charm.

Well naptime is over at this household. My two hour window of pure blissfulness has come to an end until about 8:00 tonight. So until then.... Adios!

Sunday, January 22, 2012

When Life Gives You Lemons....

As time has flown faster than I ever could of imagined it to be, I find myself finding that i haven't written on my blog since August.  A lot of things have happened since then.....Oh where to start. First off, Brayden is now 10 and a half months old. He is becoming more and more like a little boy than a baby everyday. He started crawling at 9 months and i seriously thought he would never get teeth because all the babies his age had teeth or at least a tooth by 7 months. Brayden, however, wanted to wait for Santa to bring him 2 teeth instead of getting one at a time like most babies. Well he hasn't done anything by the book since he came out, so why start now, ya know? He has started drinking a little whole milk in his bottle and loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I really am a lucky mom because he will eat almost anything.  Actually, i haven't found anything he won't eat. I mean the kid eats broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, peas, green beans, sweet & regular potatoes, lima beans, squash, zucchini, and any kind of fruit I'll feed him. I mean how lucky can a mom get, really?? He loves Kraft mac n' cheese and pizza. I think it will be his favorite when he gets older.

What really came to a shock to us is at the end of November we found out that Santa came early, because we are expecting our second little bundle of joy. Definitely was not planned and it has honestly taken me a while to become excited about this pregnancy like I was with Brayden. We are due August 5th but I'm thinking that it'll come probably late July.  I am 12 weeks today and am thankfully feeling like a normal person again.  The pregnancy's have been pretty similar with the exception of the sickness this time came earlier on (about wk 5) and ended earlier (about wk 11). Can't tell you how thankful i am for that. I had no idea I was pregnant. I had been breastfeeding so i didn't have a period the whole time so to take a test and it say positive is an understatement to say i was shocked. I thought it was lying so i literally took 3 more tests. David is really excited. He's hoping for a little girl, but i think it's a boy. (But I also would of bet the house that Brayden was a girl, so my motherly intuition kinda sucks, so who knows.) I called David and told him during his P.E. class where he was teaching 30 1st graders so you could imagine the surprise when i told him i was pregnant. He thought i was joking and made me repeat myself like 3 different times. Since then our world has kinda been rocked. Life definitely handed us lemons and we are choosing to make lemonade out of it, which i really like lemonade so I'm excited. :o) I just think to myself, there are so many women out there that struggle getting pregnant, or aren't able to have babies and i am extremely grateful in the fact that it has happened so easily for us now twice. One of my best friends told me, "all you have to do is look at your husband and get pregnant. No fair!" So, i am blessed and i am getting more and more excited as the belly starts to grow and the legs & butt start to fatten up.

So 2012 promises to be an exciting year : another baby, Brayden turns 1, and lots more family memories for us to make. Cheers to 2012!!


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Selfish to Selfless

I walked away from church Sunday morning with a renewed spirit and knew what i had to do: to become less selfish and more selfless. You see, having a baby never truly prepares you to give up the selfish nature that you have.  Of course you know in your head that this little bundle will be the new thing that you revolve your life around, but until they actually get here, becoming selfless seems more of an after thought instead of a new way of life. And as hard as it is to admit, this has been an issue that i have struggled with since B has come into my world. I honestly didn't think of myself as a very selfish person, but give me a colicky baby who doesn't like to poop (he might of gone once every 5 days if that), who literally screamed 23.5 hours out of the day from week 3 to about week 8 of his life (with the exception of nap time when he will take a nap or go down for the night, which was at 2-3 hr increments), trying to coach varsity boys track, and about 4-6 hours of sleep a day, you learn a lot about yourself. Some of it good and some of it not so good. Now, i realize i put a lot of that stress on myself, so all the fingers are pointed at me. But, i should of asked for some help and checked my pridefulness at the door, but no one is perfect and i am still learning.

Things that i have learned thus far are: yes, you can indeed run out of patience, that you need to value every ounce of sleep you can get and take advantage of it when you get it, and that you really are more selfish that you thought you were. I can't even count how many comments i have made to my husband about how great it must of been for him to sleep until 9 or how i can't go out with friends unless i take the baby along because he is always out with his friends without B. Now, let me tell husband has been terrific. I know me making those comments makes him look like he doesn't take any responsibility for B, but he does. What i haven't told you is he would stay up with B at 3 am so i could get some rest and then awake again at 7:30 to go to work. Or, he would send me flowers when i was on maternity leave because he knew the pressure of being "the perfect mom" was getting to me and wanted me to know that i was loved. So, before you go throwing stones at him, know he was and is a great dad.

I have learned if you're not careful, selfishness not only takes over your thoughts, but also affects how you treat people you love, your overall attitude, how you look at the world, and allows you to become bitter and spiteful. All of these traits, not so becoming of the ever growing Christians we are trying to become. And for me, my selfishness played and is still somewhat playing a toll in all aspects of my life. But, i have a new attitude to embrace this hostile selfish person that i have become and pray to the Lord that He will take it away from me in His time. Do i wish it would just magically be lifted from me never to return again? Sure...I think everyone wants that when they pray to the Lord for help. But, my God doesn't work like that all the time. And I'm pretty sure, He is helping me figure out how to embrace and learn from one of my many faults. You see, i prayed so hard for a baby, and literally, i feel like that is all i prayed to God for a year and a half ago. And, He answered my prayer. He didn't say, oh p.s.-this package doesn't come with instructions or by the way......this is going to be a little bit more challenging than you originally thought or even.... are you sure you know what you are getting yourself into? He just delivered the prayer and sits back and watches to see how i can make it glorify Him. And, unfortunately i don't think i have done the best job that i can be doing. So as i said previously in this "blog", that is my new goal: to go from selfish to selfless. How can my son ever live after the example of Christ, if he doesn't always see his mother doing it as well. What kind of a role model is that? You can't just go around talking the have to walk the walk as well. So, Sunday night started my walk. Can't say it is going to be easy or challenging....i think the words I'm looking for is it is going to be something different and new. And ya know what, I'm up for the challenge. So instead of thinking about my life and how little sleep i might of gotten or how i am the friend that now that brings the baby along, I'm thinking about what a blessing i have been given by the big man up above and how can i use this gift to glorify and honor Him. Because sadly, not everyone can have a little chicken nugget of their own and i am truly grateful that I was blessed with Brayden.

So, which are you: selfish or selfless? And what aspects are you that in your life?

Something to ponder.