Selfish to Selfless

I walked away from church Sunday morning with a renewed spirit and knew what i had to do: to become less selfish and more selfless. You see, having a baby never truly prepares you to give up the selfish nature that you have.  Of course you know in your head that this little bundle will be the new thing that you revolve your life around, but until they actually get here, becoming selfless seems more of an after thought instead of a new way of life. And as hard as it is to admit, this has been an issue that i have struggled with since B has come into my world. I honestly didn't think of myself as a very selfish person, but give me a colicky baby who doesn't like to poop (he might of gone once every 5 days if that), who literally screamed 23.5 hours out of the day from week 3 to about week 8 of his life (with the exception of nap time when he will take a nap or go down for the night, which was at 2-3 hr increments), trying to coach varsity boys track, and about 4-6 hours of sleep a day, you learn a lot about yourself. Some of it good and some of it not so good. Now, i realize i put a lot of that stress on myself, so all the fingers are pointed at me. But, i should of asked for some help and checked my pridefulness at the door, but no one is perfect and i am still learning.

Things that i have learned thus far are: yes, you can indeed run out of patience, that you need to value every ounce of sleep you can get and take advantage of it when you get it, and that you really are more selfish that you thought you were. I can't even count how many comments i have made to my husband about how great it must of been for him to sleep until 9 or how i can't go out with friends unless i take the baby along because he is always out with his friends without B. Now, let me tell you.....my husband has been terrific. I know me making those comments makes him look like he doesn't take any responsibility for B, but he does. What i haven't told you is he would stay up with B at 3 am so i could get some rest and then awake again at 7:30 to go to work. Or, he would send me flowers when i was on maternity leave because he knew the pressure of being "the perfect mom" was getting to me and wanted me to know that i was loved. So, before you go throwing stones at him, know he was and is a great dad.

I have learned if you're not careful, selfishness not only takes over your thoughts, but also affects how you treat people you love, your overall attitude, how you look at the world, and allows you to become bitter and spiteful. All of these traits, not so becoming of the ever growing Christians we are trying to become. And for me, my selfishness played and is still somewhat playing a toll in all aspects of my life. But, i have a new attitude to embrace this hostile selfish person that i have become and pray to the Lord that He will take it away from me in His time. Do i wish it would just magically be lifted from me never to return again? Sure...I think everyone wants that when they pray to the Lord for help. But, my God doesn't work like that all the time. And I'm pretty sure, He is helping me figure out how to embrace and learn from one of my many faults. You see, i prayed so hard for a baby, and literally, i feel like that is all i prayed to God for a year and a half ago. And, He answered my prayer. He didn't say, oh p.s.-this package doesn't come with instructions or by the way......this is going to be a little bit more challenging than you originally thought or even.... are you sure you know what you are getting yourself into? He just delivered the prayer and sits back and watches to see how i can make it glorify Him. And, unfortunately i don't think i have done the best job that i can be doing. So as i said previously in this "blog", that is my new goal: to go from selfish to selfless. How can my son ever live after the example of Christ, if he doesn't always see his mother doing it as well. What kind of a role model is that? You can't just go around talking the talk.....you have to walk the walk as well. So, Sunday night started my walk. Can't say it is going to be easy or challenging....i think the words I'm looking for is it is going to be something different and new. And ya know what, I'm up for the challenge. So instead of thinking about my life and how little sleep i might of gotten or how i am the friend that now that brings the baby along, I'm thinking about what a blessing i have been given by the big man up above and how can i use this gift to glorify and honor Him. Because sadly, not everyone can have a little chicken nugget of their own and i am truly grateful that I was blessed with Brayden.

So, which are you: selfish or selfless? And what aspects are you that in your life?

Something to ponder.

Adios!